remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Help me help you realize you are a moron
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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