u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can I color on your dick again?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
