i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
What a dumb baby whore.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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