It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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