go do what you do best...puke behind churches
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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