dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
