You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
