Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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