I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
