Your dad touched me again.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
