Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
