My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
