my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
