my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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