i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
