what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
