my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You are a genius and a whore.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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