I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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