I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
whose parrot is this?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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