You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
