All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
