I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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