bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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