i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
