i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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