Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
