It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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