Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
