I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
