There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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