opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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