I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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