Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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