Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
