Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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