Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
