I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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