At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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