no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
