Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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