Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
