If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
