I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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