nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
