Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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