she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
