I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
