Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
