My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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