well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
