3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
