I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
