Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
