Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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