and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I have aggressive nipples.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
