don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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