highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Send help, water and tortillas.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
