fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
