Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
