That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
