someone get that fucking seahorse.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
