just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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