I'm lost and stupid without you.
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
