Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i was born a porn star she said
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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