My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Michael Bay diarrhea
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
